if i knew all the
letters, i could spell my name. (jason mraz, 0% talent)
i'm lamer than my fans give me credit for (john mayer, lamer than my
fans)
i bare my windowed self, untamed and untalented . . . (jason mraz)
don't try to tune my guitar, i'm tone deaf (evanescence, goodbye)
see, you and me have a better time when the radio is off (DuMB, the
best
of what's around)
another whole
box of
pandora's
There's something in the
way you sing that makes me feel ill, your lyrics
confuse me, you and your thesis abuse my brain . . . after an
afternoon
with you my ears bleed red (jason mraz, after an afternoon of bad
music)
Your music weighs on me as heavy as stone . . . I was just wondering
if
you'd come along to hold up my hair in the bathroom after I listen to
your
album . . . I'll do the same if the same's what you want . . . (DuMB,
the
stoner)
today i left sunny Florida and landed in Amarillo, which is . . . um, not sunny. when i landed, it was 27 degrees, and flying in i could see nothing but white covering the brown of the surrounding areas. i thought, yay snow! then i remembered this little problem i had wednesday when i arrived at the airport, and thought boo snow!
when i pulled up to airport security last week, i rolled down my window, after which the window fell down into my door. i was able to pull it out somewhat, so when i landed today, i was a little stressed about how i would deal with it. not to worry, my car wasn't even leaving the airport garage. dead battery.
i called Bikermommy. she would get off work in 10 minutes and could come help me jump my car.
BIKERMOMMY: do you know how to jump a car?
SARAHK: i've seen it done. something to do with positives and negatives and black, red. piece of cake. i'll call Frank for instructions, he knows everything.
BIKERMOMMY: i'll be there in a little while.
when i called Frank, he recommended I just call AAA, because apparently there is a right sequence and a wrong sequence to putting jumper cables on and he didn't think I could do it without blowing up the battery. i didn't like the intimation that he was smarter than i and yelled at him until he told me the connection sequence.
when Bikermommy arrived we lifted the hood and I i thought, "did Frank say + to + then - to -, or was it the other way around, and which car was I supposed to hookup first in that sequence, and should the car be running or not." as we stood in the cold looking at the car i decided "well, exploding batteries are probably just an urban legend, i'm sure if i move quickly enough it really won't matter which order i put them on." bad idea.
my first clue that i did it wrong was the sizzzling spark sound, then the sparks, then the smell of ozone, then the glowing jumper wires and flaming and melting plastic. and all of this occured within the 2 seconds it took me to pull off the burning cables and throw them into the snow.
at that point i thought to myself -- do I call Mr. Wonderful and admit defeat, or press on and show him a thing or two. you know which path I followed. when i couldn't find anyone to borrow me jumper cables, me and Bikermommy drove over to the five-and-dime and purchased some on sale for $3.99. i was very proud of myself, thinking "what a great buy! i'll show Mr. Know-It-All, he'll see!" >:l
anyway, we step up to my car again, instructions in hand this time, and attach the cables. unfortunately, I didn't read the last part of the instructions where it said DO NOT ATTACH FINAL CONNECTION TO NEGATIVE TERMINAL--ATTACH TO ENGINE BODY. it turns out that if you fail to heed this important instruction, you will find yourself with a reation identical to the one described above (smoke, ozone, melting plastic, etc.)
now that I had tried twice and failed miserably twice, there was no way i could call Mr. Know-It-All again for help. i also didn't want to waste another $3.99 for new cables. so . . . . i put the second set of jumper cables in the snow to cool off and then covered the burnt plastic parts with masking tape that Bikermommmy had in her trunk and decided to take another crack at it.
this time i followed the instructions perfectly, but the repaired jumper cables were apparently not as repaired as i thought, and i got the same reaction AGAIN! (smoke, ozen, flames, etc.) at this point i knew i was in over my head. i called Frank on the phone and admitted that i needed his help and that he was much smarter than me. he told me to call Pappy for help, which I had never thought of! Mr. Wonderful is so smart!
anyway, Pappy came and rescued the damsels in distress and did in five minutes what we spent over an hour trying to do. yay for damsel in distress mode! yay for being able to turn it on so easily! boo dead batteries! boo cheap jumper cables! yay Frank, you're so smart!
"i'll never let the door hit
your behind on the way out" Mayer, Your Body is a Sweat Gland
"fist to face . . . mace to eyes . . . baton to head . . . chest to ground
. . . you're under arrest punk." Mraz, After an Afternoon of Protesting
"well i've heard a thousand things come out of your face, but i stopped
listening when i needed some space" Mraz, 1000 Things Said Is 993 Too Many
"i'd rather starve than eat your mystery meat" Mayer, My Stupid Songs
"i know you're a mime mime mime, but you do it so badly it bores ofttimes"
Mayer, Your Body Has Gotten Out of Hand
"unfortunately you will diss me and i'll diss you back" Mraz, 1000 Things
Better Left Unsaid
"get me to an emergency room! baby you, you've got my only heart!" Mayer,
Open Heart Surgery
"i'm absolutely definite absolutely positive absolutely definitely
positively redundant." Mraz, Did I Fool Ya Into Buying This Blech?
"there's something in the way you laugh that makes my ears bleed" Mraz,
After an Afternoon With You My Ears Bleed
"you can be glad in the morning, i'll sneak out the back, and leave you
alone here. i'm ice cold baby." Mayer, Music Retread
"i'm sleeping to dream about your twin sister, i'm so tired of having to
live with your nagging." Mraz, Sleeping to Dream of Another
"i can't survive on the breath you are finished with--too much CO2" Mayer,
Come Back With My Scuba Gear
"i called because I just need to hear myself on the line." Mayer, Split
Pesonality Madness
a long-awaited
end
face in palm ... tear to
tear ... fingers in ears ... heart to ground ...
i am in love with myself ... (jason mraz, after an afternoon of bad
music)
there's no place to hide from our music (nickel creek, this side of
hades)
how wonderful life is while I'm asleep (elton john, your song)
you're sour as crab apples, you must not be the one. (chantal
kreviazuk,
crab apples)
Don't you remember? We built
this city . . . we built this city on rock an' roll . . .
Clowns never laughed before, beanstalks never grew. Ponies never ran
before. 'Till I met you.
All right stop collaborate and listen I'm back with my brand new
invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly Flow like a harpoon daily and
nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don't know
My lovely horse, running through the field, Where are you going, with
your
fetlocks blowing in the wind? I want to shower you with sugar lumps,
and
ride you over fences. Polish your hooves every single day, and bring
you
to the horse dentist. My lovely horse, you're a pony no more. Running
around with a man on your back, like a train in the night, like a
train in
the niiigghhtttt. . .
Get My Lovely Horse
Here
