if i knew all the
letters, i could spell my name. (jason mraz, 0% talent)
i'm lamer than my fans give me credit for (john mayer, lamer than my
fans)
i bare my windowed self, untamed and untalented . . . (jason mraz)
don't try to tune my guitar, i'm tone deaf (evanescence, goodbye)
see, you and me have a better time when the radio is off (DuMB, the
best
of what's around)
another whole
box of
pandora's
There's something in the
way you sing that makes me feel ill, your lyrics
confuse me, you and your thesis abuse my brain . . . after an
afternoon
with you my ears bleed red (jason mraz, after an afternoon of bad
music)
Your music weighs on me as heavy as stone . . . I was just wondering
if
you'd come along to hold up my hair in the bathroom after I listen to
your
album . . . I'll do the same if the same's what you want . . . (DuMB,
the
stoner)
citizens of mountaineermusing are advised that it is now safe to leave their bomb shelters. the danger of nuclear annihilation has passed. as you know, the insolence exhibited by the citizens of imao has been increasing of late. diplomatic communications were broken off after this message was received from their high commander. as you can well understand, action needed to be taken, and the central committee determined that a first strike attack would be launched. i am pleased to report that the attack was successful in all respects. mountaineermusing has attained complete victory over imao and a provisional puppet goverment has been installed.
because all media communication was suspended immediately prior to the attack, it is only now that i can report in detail on our troop's victories! [note: musers should now start wagner's flight of the valkyries]
our troops advanced across the imao border unheeded due to the timely defection of its border forces. in return for their betrayal, the defectors were granted a lifetime interest in all profits derived from imao's primary source of revenue: t-shirt sales.
once our forces swept over the border, chaos ensued amongst the citzenry. the defense of imao, if you can call it that, was confused and disorganzied with only the members of their peace gallery to stop the invasion.
one of imao's first battle casualties was their beloved General B. Pirate. he fought valiantly, but his trusty blade feathersword was no match for our advance armored division's howitzers.
once the general fell, organized resistence fell apart. for example, this yellow belly immediately dropped his weapons to beg for his life--needless to say, no quarter was given to those surrendering like whipped dogs on the field of battle.
this chicken liver chose to shoot himself in the foot rather than to face our 3rd armored division. sad.
this slobbering mongrel found a white flag and stick as quickly as he could. heaven only knows how he tied the knots.
not even imao's resident super hero, pigeon toe, could stop our advancing forces!
this disgusting beast was so excited at the thought of combat that he drowned in his own saliva!!!!!!
the imao calvary was no match for our apache helicopters!!!
this brave young soldier came out with water-pistols blazing. we drove past him, and will not take his threat more seriously until he figures out a way to mount a rocket launcher on that big wheel.
imao's gondoliers mounted a brave defense of imao's waterways, but soon capitulated in the face of attacks from our feline scuba squad.
this viscious beast fought valiantly until he fell victim to his unquenchable lust for cheese.
this pitiful coward lost control of all his bodily functions in the face of our advancing troops!
this spineless coward tried to sneak off the battlefield in disguise. at this moment his remains are being incorporated into cans of sheba.
luckily, this ronin did not realize that the excruciatingly off-tune notes eminating from his guitar were far more deadly than the butterknife attched at its end.
ronin attempted to defend their territory from the air, but it was all for naught. the dirigibles of these brave ronin are easily handled with SAMs or a small cash investment on buck pitcher night.
f
this caitiff didn't waste a second in getting his white flag collection out to save his sorry hide!
this spineless coward attempted to escape across the river into allah pundit territory. a couple dynamite depth charges took care of him!
towards the end of conflict imao started sending retirement home residents on to the battlefield! fy deg!!
these siamese twins fought bravely, but their sacrafice was for naught
highly trained imao cockroaches were a nuisance that was easily dispatched of!
this group of ronin were found hunched over a cauldren attempting to invoke the forces of darkness against our advancing troops! they will make fine additions to imao's hospital for the criminally insane!
t
this ronin was representative of the vast majority of the population of imao: milksops anxiously awaiting an end to conflict no matter which side prevailed!
this fraidy cat turned himself into a human cannonball rather than face our troops! he was last seen in the air somewhere over wonkette territory!
the females of imao welcomed our advancing forces with open arms--they long ago grew tired of being surrounded by men who have no idea how to please them!
this poor soul attempted (unsuccessfully) to find courage in a bottle!
i personally kicked this tough hombre in the teeth, then made him cook breakfast for me.
it only took a rolled up newspaper to make this hellhound mind his ps and qs!
the last resort of a desperate foe: a u.n. resolution denouncing mountaineermusing's aggression! ha ha we spit in the face of the u.n.!
when imao's high commander was searched prior to preliminary peace negotions, it was discovered that he was packing heat--treachorous dog!!!!!
once the ronin were dispatched and their government dissolved, a new puppet government was put in place to rule in the stead of evil sarahk and vermin: queen b and sermin the cat
as for the ronin who did not die with honor on the battlefield, but instead chose to surrender like mollycoddles, they were caponized and enlisted in the queen's entourage to henceforth be known as the pink ladyboys.
a new imao logo is in the process of being installed on their site. failure to utilize the new logo will result in severe punishment.
furthermore, the bloggahland map shall be amended as follows:
"i'll never let the door hit
your behind on the way out" Mayer, Your Body is a Sweat Gland
"fist to face . . . mace to eyes . . . baton to head . . . chest to ground
. . . you're under arrest punk." Mraz, After an Afternoon of Protesting
"well i've heard a thousand things come out of your face, but i stopped
listening when i needed some space" Mraz, 1000 Things Said Is 993 Too Many
"i'd rather starve than eat your mystery meat" Mayer, My Stupid Songs
"i know you're a mime mime mime, but you do it so badly it bores ofttimes"
Mayer, Your Body Has Gotten Out of Hand
"unfortunately you will diss me and i'll diss you back" Mraz, 1000 Things
Better Left Unsaid
"get me to an emergency room! baby you, you've got my only heart!" Mayer,
Open Heart Surgery
"i'm absolutely definite absolutely positive absolutely definitely
positively redundant." Mraz, Did I Fool Ya Into Buying This Blech?
"there's something in the way you laugh that makes my ears bleed" Mraz,
After an Afternoon With You My Ears Bleed
"you can be glad in the morning, i'll sneak out the back, and leave you
alone here. i'm ice cold baby." Mayer, Music Retread
"i'm sleeping to dream about your twin sister, i'm so tired of having to
live with your nagging." Mraz, Sleeping to Dream of Another
"i can't survive on the breath you are finished with--too much CO2" Mayer,
Come Back With My Scuba Gear
"i called because I just need to hear myself on the line." Mayer, Split
Pesonality Madness
a long-awaited
end
face in palm ... tear to
tear ... fingers in ears ... heart to ground ...
i am in love with myself ... (jason mraz, after an afternoon of bad
music)
there's no place to hide from our music (nickel creek, this side of
hades)
how wonderful life is while I'm asleep (elton john, your song)
you're sour as crab apples, you must not be the one. (chantal
kreviazuk,
crab apples)
Don't you remember? We built
this city . . . we built this city on rock an' roll . . .
Clowns never laughed before, beanstalks never grew. Ponies never ran
before. 'Till I met you.
All right stop collaborate and listen I'm back with my brand new
invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly Flow like a harpoon daily and
nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don't know
My lovely horse, running through the field, Where are you going, with
your
fetlocks blowing in the wind? I want to shower you with sugar lumps,
and
ride you over fences. Polish your hooves every single day, and bring
you
to the horse dentist. My lovely horse, you're a pony no more. Running
around with a man on your back, like a train in the night, like a
train in
the niiigghhtttt. . .
Get My Lovely Horse
Here
f
t
