if i knew all the
letters, i could spell my name. (jason mraz, 0% talent)
i'm lamer than my fans give me credit for (john mayer, lamer than my
fans)
i bare my windowed self, untamed and untalented . . . (jason mraz)
don't try to tune my guitar, i'm tone deaf (evanescence, goodbye)
see, you and me have a better time when the radio is off (DuMB, the
best
of what's around)
another whole
box of
pandora's
There's something in the
way you sing that makes me feel ill, your lyrics
confuse me, you and your thesis abuse my brain . . . after an
afternoon
with you my ears bleed red (jason mraz, after an afternoon of bad
music)
Your music weighs on me as heavy as stone . . . I was just wondering
if
you'd come along to hold up my hair in the bathroom after I listen to
your
album . . . I'll do the same if the same's what you want . . . (DuMB,
the
stoner)
You all know that I am a huge Rush Limbaugh fan, and my greatest dream is for him to plug the imao.us website and the imaudio podcast on his show. Well, last week I called in to get on the air again. While chitchatting with call screener Snerdly, I mentioned that I'd be going on a Caribbean cruise for my honeymoon and would be stopping for an afternoon in Cozumel. Snerdly told me that there wouldn't be time for me to get on the air that day, but if I left my cell number maybe he could call me the next day to get me on the show. I readily gave over the digits, hung up and expected to hear back from him the next day around 10 a.m. (R.L.'s showtime). Instead, my cell phone rang THAT EVENING, and, strangely, the caller i.d. showed "R. LIMBAU" (What? No 'gh'?). I wet my pants (which really made my rash sting), picked it up, and who should it be but El Rushbo himself! Rush told me that he was a big fan of my website and podcast (practically addicted to them I believe he said) and chit-chatted for 10 minutes or so about the wedding. Then Rush asked if I could pick up a package for him in Cozumel. He promised that if I could do this small favor for him, he would put a free banner link to imao.us on his webpage and give us free plugs over the next few weeks. I was floored that such a great opportunity had come my way, and told him I was more than happy to do it for him.
Anyway, Wednesday rolls around and the ship docks in Cozumel. I go ashore and find the the backstreet pharmacy that Rush told me about. I told the clerk that I was there to pick up "Mr. L's" package, handed over the heavy envelope Rush had FedEx'd me, and took a satchel filled with a couple dozen bottles of vitamins. When I got back to the ship, I threw the satchel into my suitcase and promptly forgot all about it.
The ship arrived at home port Port Canaveral this morning and the lovely and talented SarahK and the mighty and geniused Frank J. disembarked. We picked up our suitcases at baggage claim (we had to check them the night before) and I headed over to the the security kiosk to get my weapons back. On my way over, I saw a handsome German Shepard sitting there. Since I love dogs, and have been considering purchasing one, I reached out to pet it. Imagine my surprise when the dog, whom I subsequently learned was named "Duke", bared his teeth, began barking frantically and leapt at me--I thought "could this be the real Chomps?" I fell over and Duke started digging into my bag like Michael Moore at a buffet and barking like he'd found Osama. The police officer asked me what was in there, and I replied dirty clothes, souvenirs and vitamins. I said "just search it and give me my guns back so we can be on our honeymooning way." Well, guess what, the officer opened up the bottles of vitamins and announced that they all contained "hillbilly heroin" (oxycontin)! I was dumbstruck! Needless to say, I explained how I had picked up the "vitamins" in Cozumel for Rush and that the pharmacy must have given me the wrong prescription. I gave the police Rush's cell number and told them to call him to clear up this huge misunderstanding. They got through to Rush all-right, but he promptly denied having ever heard of me and hung up.
So here I sit in the internet cafe at the Brevard County Jail, waiting to be arraigned, completely innocent of all charges. I expect to be released shortly. If not, I expect a huge 'Free Frank J." protest to be organized by noon. Till then, I'm going to practice singing some Johnny Cash songs. It's karaoke night in the prison cafeteria tonight.
"i'll never let the door hit
your behind on the way out" Mayer, Your Body is a Sweat Gland
"fist to face . . . mace to eyes . . . baton to head . . . chest to ground
. . . you're under arrest punk." Mraz, After an Afternoon of Protesting
"well i've heard a thousand things come out of your face, but i stopped
listening when i needed some space" Mraz, 1000 Things Said Is 993 Too Many
"i'd rather starve than eat your mystery meat" Mayer, My Stupid Songs
"i know you're a mime mime mime, but you do it so badly it bores ofttimes"
Mayer, Your Body Has Gotten Out of Hand
"unfortunately you will diss me and i'll diss you back" Mraz, 1000 Things
Better Left Unsaid
"get me to an emergency room! baby you, you've got my only heart!" Mayer,
Open Heart Surgery
"i'm absolutely definite absolutely positive absolutely definitely
positively redundant." Mraz, Did I Fool Ya Into Buying This Blech?
"there's something in the way you laugh that makes my ears bleed" Mraz,
After an Afternoon With You My Ears Bleed
"you can be glad in the morning, i'll sneak out the back, and leave you
alone here. i'm ice cold baby." Mayer, Music Retread
"i'm sleeping to dream about your twin sister, i'm so tired of having to
live with your nagging." Mraz, Sleeping to Dream of Another
"i can't survive on the breath you are finished with--too much CO2" Mayer,
Come Back With My Scuba Gear
"i called because I just need to hear myself on the line." Mayer, Split
Pesonality Madness
a long-awaited
end
face in palm ... tear to
tear ... fingers in ears ... heart to ground ...
i am in love with myself ... (jason mraz, after an afternoon of bad
music)
there's no place to hide from our music (nickel creek, this side of
hades)
how wonderful life is while I'm asleep (elton john, your song)
you're sour as crab apples, you must not be the one. (chantal
kreviazuk,
crab apples)
Don't you remember? We built
this city . . . we built this city on rock an' roll . . .
Clowns never laughed before, beanstalks never grew. Ponies never ran
before. 'Till I met you.
All right stop collaborate and listen I'm back with my brand new
invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly Flow like a harpoon daily and
nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don't know
My lovely horse, running through the field, Where are you going, with
your
fetlocks blowing in the wind? I want to shower you with sugar lumps,
and
ride you over fences. Polish your hooves every single day, and bring
you
to the horse dentist. My lovely horse, you're a pony no more. Running
around with a man on your back, like a train in the night, like a
train in
the niiigghhtttt. . .
Get My Lovely Horse
Here
