if i knew all the
letters, i could spell my name. (jason mraz, 0% talent)
i'm lamer than my fans give me credit for (john mayer, lamer than my
fans)
i bare my windowed self, untamed and untalented . . . (jason mraz)
don't try to tune my guitar, i'm tone deaf (evanescence, goodbye)
see, you and me have a better time when the radio is off (DuMB, the
best
of what's around)
another whole
box of
pandora's
There's something in the
way you sing that makes me feel ill, your lyrics
confuse me, you and your thesis abuse my brain . . . after an
afternoon
with you my ears bleed red (jason mraz, after an afternoon of bad
music)
Your music weighs on me as heavy as stone . . . I was just wondering
if
you'd come along to hold up my hair in the bathroom after I listen to
your
album . . . I'll do the same if the same's what you want . . . (DuMB,
the
stoner)
I can't believe my honeymoon is turning out to be worst time of my life. I mean, I'm married, and that's good: my lovely wife and I love each other very much. First I had sea sickness, then food poisoning, then this rash - which is getting worse but the cream helps. (I'm covered in this white goop). Now the honeymoon has taken another turn.
I just got back from the ship's security office and I have to say that it wasn't my fault. At least, most of it wasn't.
Here's what happened.
I woke up today feeling awful. My stomach is much better, but my rash was even worse than before. The lower half of my body is completely red – which is a vast improvement – before it was completely blue. Have I told you how great marital sex is? It's great!
Anyway, the lovely wife and I decided to go topside. SarahK has enjoyed our vacation very much.
So we went upstairs and Sarah sat in the sun while I found a chair next to a big column that provided some shade and some cover so people don't see me when I scratch myself.
We had been sitting up there for about 30 minutes when the wife, asked me to get her an iced tea. The Disney lounge up here serves them in these neat coconut containers and we've been trying to steal one since we got here. So I said, "Sure thing." When I got up, I was still a bit out of it, and what happened next was completely an accident.
I was still a bit woozy from the food poisoning, and the lack of sleep, so when I got up, I lost my balance a bit. At this point, I bumped into one of the employees wearing a Disney costume – the big bear from Jungle Book – what's his name – Balloo? Well, I didn't just bump into him, I guess I hit him at just the right angle because the poor guy stumbled right into the kiddie pool. Good thing it was only 2 feet deep.
You want to hear kids scream? Put them in a pool and then throw in an eight foot bear. They were squealing their little heads off. We heard this and laughed. Most of the people in the area were laughing.
Except for the guy in the bear costume. He was pretty angry, I mean, he was screaming and cursin' up a storm. Being at sea, you'd figure Disney would make those things pretty waterproof, wouldn't you? So security was there a few seconds later and they help him climb out. They're questioning me asking me why I did it. I can't believe they're serious. I try to lighten the mood and joke with them saying "Hey, I got nothing against bears. It's those damn monkeys that I can't stand." The bear keeps cursing up a storm and takes his bear head off.
It's a black guy.
I don't think he understood my monkey comment. I don't think that security did either.
So the three security agents took me downstairs and we had a short talk. I guess at this point I might mention that I was wearing my Nuke The Moon T-shirt. That took a lot of explaining, because as luck would have it, I'm being held by the handful of people (I think there's like a dozn total) on the planet that don't read IMAO.
After about 20 minutes the Captain shows up. He was an older guy, with very tanned skin and an understanding demeanor.
I told the captain, "look, I'm not exactly having the time of my life, what with this rash, and seasickness. Then of course those weird flying things zooming all around the ship."
"Weird Flying things?," he asked.
Oops.
I very, very carefully explained what I thought I might have seen. I'm not the kind of person who goes around claiming alien space abduction - especially since I have all my teeth. But I cautiously explained that I saw something - don't know what - off in the distance flying at an incredible rate of speed.
Then we went back to explaining how I knocked Balloo (whose real name turned out to be Kevin) into the water, and what a blog is and why ninja monkey's should be feared, and what the meaning is of Nuke The Moon. He actually laughed a little at that one.
After a while, they started to come around – I think mostly because they liked SarahK and figured that I couldn't be TOTALLY crazy. After about 30 minutes of reassurances they let us go back to our cabin but warned us that they'd be by soon to ask a few last questions.
Okay, here's where the stuff starts to get a bit more personal. SarahK and I have been trying to "spend time" together. Anyway, after waiting an hour we figured, "Hey, they forgot about us – now it's time for some Marital Bliss. " Harvey and his wife sent us these neat costumes. Mine is Captain Hook, SarahK has Tinkerbell.
WHAT? It's perfectly normal. Besides, it's a Disney Cruise. People expect it of you. Sneaking the hook onto the ship was easy. Security saw it on the x-ray machine and asked me what it was. I told them it was for religious purposes. You can carry anything for religious purposes – anything of course except a crucifix. Anway, we put on the costumes and I had my Pirate Evil laugh going while I bellowed "I'm going to get you if it's the last thing I do."I even had the Hook swinging, when there was a knock on the door. I went to open it.
It was security. Nothing impresses them more than I guy with a bunch of blisters on his face, covered with cream, wearing a big shiny hook over his hand.
This time, I was at the security office for 3 hours.
"i'll never let the door hit
your behind on the way out" Mayer, Your Body is a Sweat Gland
"fist to face . . . mace to eyes . . . baton to head . . . chest to ground
. . . you're under arrest punk." Mraz, After an Afternoon of Protesting
"well i've heard a thousand things come out of your face, but i stopped
listening when i needed some space" Mraz, 1000 Things Said Is 993 Too Many
"i'd rather starve than eat your mystery meat" Mayer, My Stupid Songs
"i know you're a mime mime mime, but you do it so badly it bores ofttimes"
Mayer, Your Body Has Gotten Out of Hand
"unfortunately you will diss me and i'll diss you back" Mraz, 1000 Things
Better Left Unsaid
"get me to an emergency room! baby you, you've got my only heart!" Mayer,
Open Heart Surgery
"i'm absolutely definite absolutely positive absolutely definitely
positively redundant." Mraz, Did I Fool Ya Into Buying This Blech?
"there's something in the way you laugh that makes my ears bleed" Mraz,
After an Afternoon With You My Ears Bleed
"you can be glad in the morning, i'll sneak out the back, and leave you
alone here. i'm ice cold baby." Mayer, Music Retread
"i'm sleeping to dream about your twin sister, i'm so tired of having to
live with your nagging." Mraz, Sleeping to Dream of Another
"i can't survive on the breath you are finished with--too much CO2" Mayer,
Come Back With My Scuba Gear
"i called because I just need to hear myself on the line." Mayer, Split
Pesonality Madness
a long-awaited
end
face in palm ... tear to
tear ... fingers in ears ... heart to ground ...
i am in love with myself ... (jason mraz, after an afternoon of bad
music)
there's no place to hide from our music (nickel creek, this side of
hades)
how wonderful life is while I'm asleep (elton john, your song)
you're sour as crab apples, you must not be the one. (chantal
kreviazuk,
crab apples)
Don't you remember? We built
this city . . . we built this city on rock an' roll . . .
Clowns never laughed before, beanstalks never grew. Ponies never ran
before. 'Till I met you.
All right stop collaborate and listen I'm back with my brand new
invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly Flow like a harpoon daily and
nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don't know
My lovely horse, running through the field, Where are you going, with
your
fetlocks blowing in the wind? I want to shower you with sugar lumps,
and
ride you over fences. Polish your hooves every single day, and bring
you
to the horse dentist. My lovely horse, you're a pony no more. Running
around with a man on your back, like a train in the night, like a
train in
the niiigghhtttt. . .
Get My Lovely Horse
Here
