if i knew all the
letters, i could spell my name. (jason mraz, 0% talent)
i'm lamer than my fans give me credit for (john mayer, lamer than my
fans)
i bare my windowed self, untamed and untalented . . . (jason mraz)
don't try to tune my guitar, i'm tone deaf (evanescence, goodbye)
see, you and me have a better time when the radio is off (DuMB, the
best
of what's around)
another whole
box of
pandora's
There's something in the
way you sing that makes me feel ill, your lyrics
confuse me, you and your thesis abuse my brain . . . after an
afternoon
with you my ears bleed red (jason mraz, after an afternoon of bad
music)
Your music weighs on me as heavy as stone . . . I was just wondering
if
you'd come along to hold up my hair in the bathroom after I listen to
your
album . . . I'll do the same if the same's what you want . . . (DuMB,
the
stoner)
i'm finally updating this site--you see, i was kind of busy over at imao.us for a few days while frank was out of town . . .
it all came about when i decided a few days before the newlyweds sailed off on their cruise that i would have a little fun with them -- i would post a bunch of fake stuff about their adventures since they wouldn't be checking their blog and wouldn't spoil it
i let spacemonkey, laurence and rwd know what i was planning, and they all agreed it was a good idea -- they also agreed not to rat me out
DAY ONE -- the first post was just to establish credibility -- it was intentionally boring, and just set up that they were now on the ship and had some limited ability to post -- i included a real picture of a disney ship to add to the credibility -- spacemonkey "frankified" the language i used so that it would be more believable -- the imao readers took it hook, line and sinker -- luckily i figured out how to post as "Frank J." with the period at the end, otherwise i would have been found out right away
DAY TWO -- i figured that getting seasick would be a pretty believable thing (can you even get seasick on a cruise ship since they are so big?) -- the sushi thing was my invention -- nothing like a little food poisoning to ratchet up the pain -- you can see some foreshadowing of a terrible sunburn that we never went back too -- if frank wouldn't have ratted me out, a very very sunburned pic would have showed up on friday -- this post was "frankified" by spacemonkey
DAY THREE -- laurence suggeseted that i photoshop the sushi plate to add disney characters -- that would heighten the sense that it wasn't me doing fake posts
i also posted about frank getting stung by "sea lice" -- at first i had him getting stung by a jelly fish, but when researching what the symptoms are for such a sting, i learned of "sea lice" -- i liked the idea that it is focused on the swimsuit area and seems more believable to me than a jellyfish sting -- it was totally the wrong time of year for "sea lice" (generally it is in the spring), but no one picked up on it -- the photo of the ship was added for realism sake -- i kind of guessed what cruise they were taking from their previous posts, so i tried to line it up as much as possible to reality -- the picture of the rash isn't really "sea lice" rash -- i needed the pic so you could better appreciate how horrible it was -- again, spacemonkey did some heavy "frankifying" here
DAY FOUR -- the "Disney PC" post regarding xmas greetings was totally spacemonkey's idea and was written by him -- when i first read it i thought for sure people would balk at the idea and know it was all a joke -- but people seemed to want to believe it and generally took it at face value -- i couldn't believe it -- i was particularly amused that "feliz navidad" was allowed, but "merry xmas" wasn't
DAY FIVE -- i figured after the "Disney PC" post, i needed to really wratchet up the ludicrous factor to get people to begin to suspect this was all one big joke -- so, i decided that i would do a UFO sighting -- at first i thought i would do a "ghost ship", but the UFO thing seemed more plausible -- unfortunately, everyone believed this post as well! that UFO pic is an "authentic" UFO pic from near santa monica, i just photoshopped out the sailboats
DAY SIX -- killjoy frank announced to the imao readers that they were being punked -- that was fine, it might have been weeks before they figured it out for themselves -- it is so cool frank's mom had to call him to ask about the "rash" :D
the post this day was "peter problems" -- rwd wrote this post, with a little "frankifying" by spacemonkey -- for reasons i can't comprehend, some people who were slow on the uptake even believed this post, which was preposterous from start to finish
DAY SEVEN -- i decided to wrap up the hoax since i was leaving for xmas weekend -- originally i came up with idea that frank would be jailed as a result of being an unwitting drug mule for the columbian drug cartel -- laurence came up with the idea that instead he should be busted for smuggling oxycontin for rush limbaugh -- genius!
as you can see, it was a group effort -- i can't wait for frank to go out of town again >:)
"i'll never let the door hit
your behind on the way out" Mayer, Your Body is a Sweat Gland
"fist to face . . . mace to eyes . . . baton to head . . . chest to ground
. . . you're under arrest punk." Mraz, After an Afternoon of Protesting
"well i've heard a thousand things come out of your face, but i stopped
listening when i needed some space" Mraz, 1000 Things Said Is 993 Too Many
"i'd rather starve than eat your mystery meat" Mayer, My Stupid Songs
"i know you're a mime mime mime, but you do it so badly it bores ofttimes"
Mayer, Your Body Has Gotten Out of Hand
"unfortunately you will diss me and i'll diss you back" Mraz, 1000 Things
Better Left Unsaid
"get me to an emergency room! baby you, you've got my only heart!" Mayer,
Open Heart Surgery
"i'm absolutely definite absolutely positive absolutely definitely
positively redundant." Mraz, Did I Fool Ya Into Buying This Blech?
"there's something in the way you laugh that makes my ears bleed" Mraz,
After an Afternoon With You My Ears Bleed
"you can be glad in the morning, i'll sneak out the back, and leave you
alone here. i'm ice cold baby." Mayer, Music Retread
"i'm sleeping to dream about your twin sister, i'm so tired of having to
live with your nagging." Mraz, Sleeping to Dream of Another
"i can't survive on the breath you are finished with--too much CO2" Mayer,
Come Back With My Scuba Gear
"i called because I just need to hear myself on the line." Mayer, Split
Pesonality Madness
a long-awaited
end
face in palm ... tear to
tear ... fingers in ears ... heart to ground ...
i am in love with myself ... (jason mraz, after an afternoon of bad
music)
there's no place to hide from our music (nickel creek, this side of
hades)
how wonderful life is while I'm asleep (elton john, your song)
you're sour as crab apples, you must not be the one. (chantal
kreviazuk,
crab apples)
Don't you remember? We built
this city . . . we built this city on rock an' roll . . .
Clowns never laughed before, beanstalks never grew. Ponies never ran
before. 'Till I met you.
All right stop collaborate and listen I'm back with my brand new
invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly Flow like a harpoon daily and
nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don't know
My lovely horse, running through the field, Where are you going, with
your
fetlocks blowing in the wind? I want to shower you with sugar lumps,
and
ride you over fences. Polish your hooves every single day, and bring
you
to the horse dentist. My lovely horse, you're a pony no more. Running
around with a man on your back, like a train in the night, like a
train in
the niiigghhtttt. . .
Get My Lovely Horse
Here
