me the mountaineer

"YOU'RE SUCH A
[-BLEEP-]!" -- fake sarahk

"an homage to my favorite idiot" -- fake sarahk

"Carry the one m*ther
f#*%er!" -- Acctg. Trainer

"<sobbing>" -- Joel
 

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 of imperfection

if i knew all the letters, i could spell my name. (jason mraz, 0% talent)

i'm lamer than my fans give me credit for (john mayer, lamer than my fans)

i bare my windowed self, untamed and untalented . . . (jason mraz)

don't try to tune my guitar, i'm tone deaf (evanescence, goodbye)

see, you and me have a better time when the radio is off (DuMB, the best of what's around)

 another whole
 box of
 pandora's

There's something in the way you sing that makes me feel ill, your lyrics confuse me, you and your thesis abuse my brain . . . after an afternoon with you my ears bleed red (jason mraz, after an afternoon of bad music)

Your music weighs on me as heavy as stone . . . I was just wondering if you'd come along to hold up my hair in the bathroom after I listen to your album . . . I'll do the same if the same's what you want . . . (DuMB, the stoner)

Daniel is the best, meow meow!

November 30, 2004

what's worse than one damsel in distress?

why, two damsels in distress!

today i left sunny Florida and landed in Amarillo, which is . . . um, not sunny. when i landed, it was 27 degrees, and flying in i could see nothing but white covering the brown of the surrounding areas. i thought, yay snow! then i remembered this little problem i had wednesday when i arrived at the airport, and thought boo snow!

when i pulled up to airport security last week, i rolled down my window, after which the window fell down into my door. i was able to pull it out somewhat, so when i landed today, i was a little stressed about how i would deal with it. not to worry, my car wasn't even leaving the airport garage. dead battery.

i called Bikermommy. she would get off work in 10 minutes and could come help me jump my car.

BIKERMOMMY: do you know how to jump a car?

SARAHK: i've seen it done. something to do with positives and negatives and black, red. piece of cake. i'll call Frank for instructions, he knows everything.

BIKERMOMMY: i'll be there in a little while.

when i called Frank, he recommended I just call AAA, because apparently there is a right sequence and a wrong sequence to putting jumper cables on and he didn't think I could do it without blowing up the battery. i didn't like the intimation that he was smarter than i and yelled at him until he told me the connection sequence.

when Bikermommy arrived we lifted the hood and I i thought, "did Frank say + to + then - to -, or was it the other way around, and which car was I supposed to hookup first in that sequence, and should the car be running or not." as we stood in the cold looking at the car i decided "well, exploding batteries are probably just an urban legend, i'm sure if i move quickly enough it really won't matter which order i put them on." bad idea.

my first clue that i did it wrong was the sizzzling spark sound, then the sparks, then the smell of ozone, then the glowing jumper wires and flaming and melting plastic. and all of this occured within the 2 seconds it took me to pull off the burning cables and throw them into the snow.

at that point i thought to myself -- do I call Mr. Wonderful and admit defeat, or press on and show him a thing or two. you know which path I followed. when i couldn't find anyone to borrow me jumper cables, me and Bikermommy drove over to the five-and-dime and purchased some on sale for $3.99. i was very proud of myself, thinking "what a great buy! i'll show Mr. Know-It-All, he'll see!" >:l

anyway, we step up to my car again, instructions in hand this time, and attach the cables. unfortunately, I didn't read the last part of the instructions where it said DO NOT ATTACH FINAL CONNECTION TO NEGATIVE TERMINAL--ATTACH TO ENGINE BODY. it turns out that if you fail to heed this important instruction, you will find yourself with a reation identical to the one described above (smoke, ozone, melting plastic, etc.)

now that I had tried twice and failed miserably twice, there was no way i could call Mr. Know-It-All again for help. i also didn't want to waste another $3.99 for new cables. so . . . . i put the second set of jumper cables in the snow to cool off and then covered the burnt plastic parts with masking tape that Bikermommmy had in her trunk and decided to take another crack at it.

this time i followed the instructions perfectly, but the repaired jumper cables were apparently not as repaired as i thought, and i got the same reaction AGAIN! (smoke, ozen, flames, etc.) at this point i knew i was in over my head. i called Frank on the phone and admitted that i needed his help and that he was much smarter than me. he told me to call Pappy for help, which I had never thought of! Mr. Wonderful is so smart!

anyway, Pappy came and rescued the damsels in distress and did in five minutes what we spent over an hour trying to do. yay for damsel in distress mode! yay for being able to turn it on so easily! boo dead batteries! boo cheap jumper cables! yay Frank, you're so smart!



fake sarahk's take on this

# posted by the real sarahk @ 11:40 AM  

November 29, 2004

for the gentlemen . . .

aint' love grand ya'll--I audioblogged my greeting to Mr. Wonderful at the airport

# posted by the real sarahk @ 11:44 AM  

November 28, 2004

i admit it ya'll--Mr. Wonderful is smarter than me : (

last night Mr. Wonderful and i were playing trivial pursuit, and a debate erupted concerning whether coal turns into diamonds under intense heat and pressure. it was my belief that coal does in fact turn into diamonds, and Frank argued that only pure carbon atoms inside the earth's crust can form diamonds. i didn't believe him because it is common knowledge and i have personally seen Superman crush coal into diamonds on at least three occassions. despite this fact, smarty-pants would not concede the point. i told him i could care less whether he was certain, i knew i was right.

when Mr. Wonderful went to sleep, i determined to prove him wrong for once. so, mischevious little me went into the garage and grabbed a c-clamp off his tool bench and a charcoal bricket out of his grill. i squeezed the piece of charcoal has hard as i could with the c-clamp, put them both in the microwave, set it on high heat for 8 hours, and hit start. i went to bed and expected that when i awoke I would have at least a 4 carat diamond, but more importantly, I would prove Mr. Wonderful wrong.



well, at around 3:00 a.m. I heard the fire alarm go off and could smell smoke. i jumped out the nearest window and was horrified to see Frank's home engulfed in flames. when i told the fire inspector what i had done, he rebuked me as Frank stood nearby shaking his head back and forth with a cat that swallowed the canary expression on his face. i admit it ya'll. Mr. Wonderful is smarter than me.



good thing i'm flying back today!

# posted by the real sarahk @ 4:33 PM  

nothin' but black ya'll

this morning we decided to go to the shooting range. i was trying to act like I could care less, because i didn't want my enthusiasm for firing guns to scare Frank; he kept asking why i was turning cartwheels, but i think i set his mind at ease by telling him i was so happy to see him. i'm not sure why he flinched every time i got near the guns. we loaded the guns--poor choice of words. we packed the heat--hmm. we put all the guns and ammo in some bags and placed them in the car, and we were off!

we drove out to a friend's farm in a rural area where the sound of gunshots would not arise panic. unfortunately, it was windy, throwing my aim off a bit.



we decided it might be better if we went into town to go to a gun range where my stray bullets would be less dangerous. i had a blast firing all the different guns. i really liked firing the Walther P99, it felt good and was the 2nd prettiest of all the guns, which is very important. when Frank got tired, we packed up to leave; i was really good and didn't cry, unless you count the lone glistening tear on my pwetty wittle cheek. "ta, gunrange," said i, and Frank kissed away my tear. "it’s okay t-shirt babe; i’ll let you clean the guns later." that cheered me up

here's me shootin the Walther P99:


here's my target--nothin' but black!


when we got home, I cleaned the guns. i will blog on that later. luckily they were able to sew it back on. i sorry sweetie. i guess i really could learn a thing or two from those guys over at the highroad

# posted by the real sarahk @ 4:15 PM  

happy thanksgiving musers!

sorry to not wish ya'll a great holiday before now; i don't want you to think I could care less about ya'll. i've been slaving in Frank's kitchen all day. i fixed a traditional southern thanksgiving meal. yummy! there was a close call when i forgot to take the plastic sheet off of the hungry man turkey dinner, but Frank remembered and reminded--he's so smart, and such a good cook!



unfortunately, Mr. Wonderful suddenly came down with stomach flu, and all my hard work was for naught :(

# posted by the real sarahk @ 3:51 PM  

November 24, 2004

i was gonna try to be cool . . .

Bikermommy, you're looking a little flushed

Bikermommy brought lunch to my house today so we could straighten up the house. seems when she used my facilities, she accidentally flushed her reading glasses down the toilet. yep, we're related. luckily we had bebe, who is PADI toilet water certified, to bail her out!

# posted by the real sarahk @ 3:27 AM  

November 23, 2004

so proud of Frank J

If you have a hunch that you are already condemned to an eternity in the hot spot, you can find a link to the photo DEEMED UNFIT FOR UPSTANDING AND DECENT FOLK in the comments section. May God have mercy on your damned souls.

# posted by the real sarahk @ 8:46 AM  

November 22, 2004

ewwwww

it really stinks in Amarillo today . . . it was so overwhelming that i was sure i was not 5 inches from a cow’s butt. that’s about all i have to say about that.

# posted by the real sarahk @ 7:13 PM  

more bebe blogging

this is the story of my life. i'll sit with my laptop in my lap! . . . and here comes the bebe, has to be in on the computing action . . .

# posted by the real sarahk @ 12:04 PM  

November 21, 2004

Mr. Wonderful is so smart!

me and sizzle make hometown paper!

sometimes we texas cowgals get a little too mischievious :)

# posted by the real sarahk @ 7:52 PM  

minerva is the cutest

here are some random recent pics of my kitty cat. ain't she precious?

# posted by the real sarahk @ 5:19 PM  

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr . . . more snow this morning . . .

# posted by the real sarahk @ 2:18 PM  

i'm headin' for Canada y'all . . .

to all you imperialist pigs who voted for shrub, the worst president in history, you can go suck eggs. if we don't negotiate with the terrorists we will never end this needless waste of human life. we'll regain our senses soon world-- don't your worry about that. power to the people! peace out!

# posted by the real sarahk @ 2:09 PM  

three more days until i get to see Mr. Wonderful!

i hope he remembers to open my door, because i won't forget my snub-nosed .38 . . .

# posted by the real sarahk @ 2:01 PM  

payback is a b*tch!

my best friend Ana Marie and i crashed a local political fund raiser this weekend to sandbag traitor Zell Miller. we caught him totally off-guard when we asked Ana Marie's partner to take a picture. hee hee . . .



this is a picture of me and Ana Marie from back in the day. we met during college when we took the same women's studies class. we both worked at Urban Outfitters and it was kind of a running joke that we would dress exactly the same every shift we worked together:

# posted by the real sarahk @ 1:53 PM  

another long weekend . . . : (

i had to work all weekend so that i can head out to Florida on Wednesday to see Mr. Wonderful. the up-side is that i was able to take a few cell phone photographs of the office. we work in one of Amarillo's newest office buildings.

this is our lobby--that's real elephant ivory--very classy. i think my boss had to purchase the tusks in Chijuajua and smuggle them across the border in the false bed of his pick-up truck:


here's another shot of the lobby. We recently had the chairs re-upholstered in Cowboy's silver.


here's a picture of the area where I work. my desk is right under the water buffalo and mountain goat heads:

# posted by the real sarahk @ 1:46 PM  

November 20, 2004

Carnival of the Recipes

ok y'all, I have had so many requests for my yummy jambalaya recipe, that I've finally relented and here it is!

first, pour a package of Zatarain's Jambalaya mix into a tupperware bowl and add 2 cups water.

then, mix in one can of Swanson canned chicken.

then microwave for 20 minutes until hot.

finally salt and pepper to taste. yummy!


special bonus: family biscuit recipe.
twist open can of Grands! biscuits and cook for 15 minutes. yummy!

# posted by the real sarahk @ 12:52 PM  

way to go Georgie boy! i heart you!

Yankees reportedly offer Martinez a $50 million deal

Making a swift and bold decision Friday, George Steinbrenner, the New York Yankees' principal owner, presented a four-year, $50 million offer to Boston Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez, the New Jersey newspaper The Record reported.

woo hoo, my beloved Yanks will be back in the World Series, and THIS time, their EVEN HIGHER payroll will ensure NO ONE can stop them!! bwwwaaaa ah aha ha haha ah aha ha ah.

# posted by the real sarahk @ 11:31 AM