if i knew all the
letters, i could spell my name. (jason mraz, 0% talent)
i'm lamer than my fans give me credit for (john mayer, lamer than my
fans)
i bare my windowed self, untamed and untalented . . . (jason mraz)
don't try to tune my guitar, i'm tone deaf (evanescence, goodbye)
see, you and me have a better time when the radio is off (DuMB, the
best
of what's around)
another whole
box of
pandora's
There's something in the
way you sing that makes me feel ill, your lyrics
confuse me, you and your thesis abuse my brain . . . after an
afternoon
with you my ears bleed red (jason mraz, after an afternoon of bad
music)
Your music weighs on me as heavy as stone . . . I was just wondering
if
you'd come along to hold up my hair in the bathroom after I listen to
your
album . . . I'll do the same if the same's what you want . . . (DuMB,
the
stoner)
well, the crash test dummy job didn't go too well. given sarahk's hair color and driving history, it turns out that she was TOO qualified for the job. so, back to brevard county work agency. luckily, there was a new job posting that was right up her alley. it read: "nature lover wanted to greet visitors at entrance to naturalist resort near Tosohatchee State Park." finally, a chance to get out in the open as God intended it.
yeah. right. ok, so anyone here ever had dinner with 13 engineers? anyone have 5 different engineers teach you how to carry the one? all in one 2 hour dinner? any CPAs out there who had to pass a big comprehensive exam to make sure they can properly carry the one? any of those CPAs out there have an engineer ask them 5 different times if you’re SURE you added up your part of the bill right? are you SURE you didn’t overpay? i count for a living. quite good at counting and adding and carrying the one, thanks.
if you have been reading my blog since last fall, you know that i auditioned for american idol. i was contractually bound to secrecy until the episodes i was on actually aired, but now that the series has started, i can finally tell my story.
my first audition was in washington d.c. its pretty swampy there in late august, but i brought with a case of hairspray to fight the humidity. the judges liked me, but the associate producer had it out for me.
a few weeks later, i drove up to st. louis. they had this cool arch thing that i had never heard of before--who knew? this time round, i thought i would have a better chance as a group. so i got my evil twin and clone (what?! i've never mentioned my clone--well, i'll leave that story for another time). we did great, but they aren't taking twins or triplets this year, so again, i got jipped out my spot in hollywood.
for new orleans, i figured i better change my look so that the producers wouldn't blackball me. i think the audition went great, but my fake goatee fell off halfway through and i was revealed. i better use super glue next time.
for las vegas, i thought i would try the group thing again. i flew up there with the thought that i would hook-up with singing partners in the line. luckily, i ran into chris in line, and after we got our bracelets, we went costume shopping. the audition went great, but alas, they don't allow cats! will i ever get on this show!
p.s. does anyone know hot to get shoe polish off your face? i'm sick of using this ultra-thick foundation!
well, the alligator wrestlin' didn't go too well. sarahk's only an inch or two taller than your average alligator, so her wranglin' abilities were quite limited. her boss fired her and paid her in alligator skins, which now adorn the walls of frank's formerly swingin' bachelor pad.
sarahk went down to the brevard county employment office to find more work. she took an aptitude and personality test which used complicated calculations and algorithims to determine the best occupation for her. the computer determined that she was best suited for a job which constantly requires new employees.
so, i'm in washington d.c. last week for the inaugural ball, and i see barbara bush from across the ballroom looking as pale as can be in a pale dress. it was not a pretty sight. she looked like she had given blood that morning at five different donation centers.
so i marched right up to her and said, "girl, you can't go out looking like that--you're giving texas debutants a bad name. i got just what you need here in my purse--i never leave home without it." so i pull out a can of sun maximize tan spray.
i go through 8 or 9 cans of that a week. most people don't know i'm an albino. have been since birth. anyway, we lose her secret service agent bodyguard and duck into a custodian closet. we turned out the light so barbara could preserve her modesty, and i went to sprayin'. fifteen minutes later we were back on the dance floor. looks like i saved the day once again. john kerry'd a be proud.
i'm sick of quality shows getting yanked because of ratings. there was a time when even the worst shows played for a full season. then it dropped to 13 episode chunks. now even a failed first episode will get you the hook. case in point: my big fat obnoxious boss. for reasons beyond me, fox is going to webcast the last 5 episodes rather than show them as God intended. now, i give Fox credit for agreeing to webcast them instead of dumping them completely or making fans wait for the summer. abc broke my heart when they shelved the second mole series for 4 months after airing just 3-4 episodes. now fox has done the same. and its not like they have replaced it with something better. they have replaced obnoxious boss with the LEAST FUNNY CARTOON EVER: THE FAMILY GUY. i tried to watch this piece of garbage when it was first aired and lasted about 10 minutes, and gave it another try last week because it's become an "underground" hit. well, its not better--still garbage. certainly not the quality entertainment that would have been provided by obnoxious boss. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
In this image released January 19, 2005, NASA's exploration rover has found an unusual iron meteorite. The pitted, pea-size object is mostly made of iron and nickel. (NASA/JPL/Cornell via Reuters)
Police today warned all men who frequent bars to be cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available in any local convenience store. "Beer" is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached relations, a simple approach that renders most men helpless.
After several "beers," men will have relations with even unattractive women.
Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad has happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered.
Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses."
I can build it. I have the technology. I have the capability to make the world's first wall of a million pennies!
Lucky day I stumbled on to this little graphic. It is so impressive, yet so easy to do. I have a new hobby--rather, a life's ambition. I will build a wall of a million pennies, and all will behold its greatness!
maybe i was in a bad mood or something, but it struck me as being nothing new, and i thought many of the rejections were more cruel than funny this time around
that crazy blonde chick is nuts and a horrible singer, but she is no wm. hung as repeatedly claimed in the lead-ups
mark mcgrath actually has some charisma--he would be a good mc--his music is garbage, but he is laughing all the way to the bank
i made a few calls down to KVVU, the Las Vegas Fox affilliate, and convinced reporter Les Krifaton to have his sound guys pull the only known recording of the "so-called" sarahk's american idol audition!
just click on the link on the left sidebar and enjoy the Star-Spangled Banner sarahk style!
when we last checked in on risawn, she had destroyed the astrodome with a few hundred pounds of c-4 that she had hidden under the bleachers --but, apparently cheaters frankj and sarahk were able to escape through an access tunnel
after learning of this treachery, risawn grabbed the next flight to amarillo to bring closure to the sorry affair--unfortunately for the forces of good and all that is right in this universe sarahk was tipped off by an member of the pajamahadeen and left town post haste
risawn was told that sarahk had moved to florida by a mysterious character code named "racer x"--risawn formulated a new plan that involved theft of a saturn v rocket from the johnson space center tarmack and the contents of a semi-tractor trailer filled with items from the smithsonian's travelling apollo xi exhibit
after reaching the moon, risawn detonated a battery of mx missles that had been hidden near the north pole at the end of the cold war for a suprise first strike attack on the communists that was cancelled in the wake of the detente following the live aid concert
the nuclear detonation melted the polar cap (as demonstrated in the illustration below) . . .
causing flooding on the eastern florida coast . . .
will sarahk, frankj and minerva escape? can sidney swim? will i lose interest before finishing this story out?
after we had loaded all of my stuff into the truck (just a few boxes, a bicycle, a hammock...) we hopped in the car (which we couldn't do once it was loaded) and went to get Frank's Christmas present. i called Pappy to meet us there, because i told Frank if he's gonna be a poser, he's gotta at least pose proper. Pappy picked out the right cowboy hat, which Frank liked a little better than the one i picked. it looks really good on him, and he wore it the entire trip, except when i was driving, because i couldn't see the passenger side mirrors over his head warmer.
we went back to the house, and at the last second, Bikermommy came by and said, "don't forget your can opener and corkscrew!" and put them in the map pocket on the passenger side door. we finished loading the truck, hugged my mom goodbye and headed to the U-Haul place to get the auto trailer attached.
Chapter 2 -- A New Meaning of "Can Opener"
after the U-Haul boys attached the auto transporter, Frank and i were waiting for them for some reason or other, and we were both on the passenger side of the U-Haul. Minerva was totally freaked out, so we were both over there talking to her, petting her, comforting her. i was standing on the side steps, and Frank was standing on the highest step, above me. he needed to get down, but i was in his way, so instead of using the steps, he jumped backward out of the cab of the truck.
i heard, "ow! ow! ow!"
i said, "are you okay???" and could see him struggling with getting down, so i pushed on his shoulders to help out. more yelling. i still didn't know what was happening. "what is it?? are you okay?"
he was finally able to free himself and find the ground with his feet.
"something stabbed me in the [pinkytoe]!"
we looked at the map pocket, which was kinda detached from the door now. the can opener (a manual one, not the electric kind) was shining out from the door, gleam on its hook, saying, "look at me! look at me! look how shiny and sharp i am!" luckily frank was still wearing his cowboy outfit and could let the wound air out . . .
the results are in--i live in florida and am an accountant/graphic designer who does engineering in their spare time as a hobby
does anyone else remember this movie from the 70s where johnny cash is an orange farmer, and this cold front comes in and he has to put out heaters to try to save the crop? i'm thinking this was set in georgia, but don't recall
**I COULDN'T STAND TO LOOK AT THOSE HAIRY ARMS ANYMORE--THEY GAVE ME THE SENSATION OF EATING CAT HAIR--BLECHH! (THOSE WEREN'T FRANK'S HAIRY ARMS) BTW, I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT, MUCH LESS PLACE IN MY MOUTH, A WOODEN SPOON OR POPCICLE STICK--BLECHH!! A LITTLE SMALLER STACK IN THE SANITY COLUMN IS WORTH A LITTLE LARGER STACK IN THE CREATIVITY COLUMN--MAYBE**
