if i knew all the
letters, i could spell my name. (jason mraz, 0% talent)
i'm lamer than my fans give me credit for (john mayer, lamer than my
fans)
i bare my windowed self, untamed and untalented . . . (jason mraz)
don't try to tune my guitar, i'm tone deaf (evanescence, goodbye)
see, you and me have a better time when the radio is off (DuMB, the
best
of what's around)
another whole
box of
pandora's
There's something in the
way you sing that makes me feel ill, your lyrics
confuse me, you and your thesis abuse my brain . . . after an
afternoon
with you my ears bleed red (jason mraz, after an afternoon of bad
music)
Your music weighs on me as heavy as stone . . . I was just wondering
if
you'd come along to hold up my hair in the bathroom after I listen to
your
album . . . I'll do the same if the same's what you want . . . (DuMB,
the
stoner)
i'm finally updating this site--you see, i was kind of busy over at imao.us for a few days while frank was out of town . . .
it all came about when i decided a few days before the newlyweds sailed off on their cruise that i would have a little fun with them -- i would post a bunch of fake stuff about their adventures since they wouldn't be checking their blog and wouldn't spoil it
i let spacemonkey, laurence and rwd know what i was planning, and they all agreed it was a good idea -- they also agreed not to rat me out
DAY ONE -- the first post was just to establish credibility -- it was intentionally boring, and just set up that they were now on the ship and had some limited ability to post -- i included a real picture of a disney ship to add to the credibility -- spacemonkey "frankified" the language i used so that it would be more believable -- the imao readers took it hook, line and sinker -- luckily i figured out how to post as "Frank J." with the period at the end, otherwise i would have been found out right away
DAY TWO -- i figured that getting seasick would be a pretty believable thing (can you even get seasick on a cruise ship since they are so big?) -- the sushi thing was my invention -- nothing like a little food poisoning to ratchet up the pain -- you can see some foreshadowing of a terrible sunburn that we never went back too -- if frank wouldn't have ratted me out, a very very sunburned pic would have showed up on friday -- this post was "frankified" by spacemonkey
DAY THREE -- laurence suggeseted that i photoshop the sushi plate to add disney characters -- that would heighten the sense that it wasn't me doing fake posts
i also posted about frank getting stung by "sea lice" -- at first i had him getting stung by a jelly fish, but when researching what the symptoms are for such a sting, i learned of "sea lice" -- i liked the idea that it is focused on the swimsuit area and seems more believable to me than a jellyfish sting -- it was totally the wrong time of year for "sea lice" (generally it is in the spring), but no one picked up on it -- the photo of the ship was added for realism sake -- i kind of guessed what cruise they were taking from their previous posts, so i tried to line it up as much as possible to reality -- the picture of the rash isn't really "sea lice" rash -- i needed the pic so you could better appreciate how horrible it was -- again, spacemonkey did some heavy "frankifying" here
DAY FOUR -- the "Disney PC" post regarding xmas greetings was totally spacemonkey's idea and was written by him -- when i first read it i thought for sure people would balk at the idea and know it was all a joke -- but people seemed to want to believe it and generally took it at face value -- i couldn't believe it -- i was particularly amused that "feliz navidad" was allowed, but "merry xmas" wasn't
DAY FIVE -- i figured after the "Disney PC" post, i needed to really wratchet up the ludicrous factor to get people to begin to suspect this was all one big joke -- so, i decided that i would do a UFO sighting -- at first i thought i would do a "ghost ship", but the UFO thing seemed more plausible -- unfortunately, everyone believed this post as well! that UFO pic is an "authentic" UFO pic from near santa monica, i just photoshopped out the sailboats
DAY SIX -- killjoy frank announced to the imao readers that they were being punked -- that was fine, it might have been weeks before they figured it out for themselves -- it is so cool frank's mom had to call him to ask about the "rash" :D
the post this day was "peter problems" -- rwd wrote this post, with a little "frankifying" by spacemonkey -- for reasons i can't comprehend, some people who were slow on the uptake even believed this post, which was preposterous from start to finish
DAY SEVEN -- i decided to wrap up the hoax since i was leaving for xmas weekend -- originally i came up with idea that frank would be jailed as a result of being an unwitting drug mule for the columbian drug cartel -- laurence came up with the idea that instead he should be busted for smuggling oxycontin for rush limbaugh -- genius!
as you can see, it was a group effort -- i can't wait for frank to go out of town again >:)
Things have been pretty great on the honeymoon, if you discount all the puking, itching and burning and other itches which have not been getting the attention they need because of the puking itching and burning.
When I say things have been pretty great on the honeymoon, I mean for the most part, everybody on a cruise is genereally in a fairly good mood, assuming no ninja monkey attacks occur. I wasn't allowed to bring any guns or knives or swords on board. So to defend myself and my honey bunny snoogy woogums, the lovely and talented Sarahk Fle- Hah! you monkey ninjas thought I was going to reveal my last name and the source of all my power! HAH NEVER!, ahem. Anyway, to protect us I will have to use the most dangerous weapon I own, the one they can't take away, my mind. I was told by the snippy "security" types I would get all my weapons back when we return to port. So while we are at sea, I will have to use my mind to defeat the ninja monkeys should they attack. Nobody else ever expects them. I always do.
They took my guns etc but they can't take my mind away , but I swear I think somebody is trying to make me lose it, instead. Being the religious Christian types we are, Sarahk and I have been saying merry Christmas when people wish us happy holidays or season's greeting or whatever else. Some smile and nod, others have just sort of stared at us and froze up like we'd cast an 'Immobulus' spell on them. This was especially true of the Disney crew. We thought it was odd. Then, ths morning we find this that someone slid under the door of our stateroom.
[I had a photo of this but looked like crap so I typed it in]
Disney Cruise Guests
This is the joyous holiday season. We hope you are enjoying the season during your stay aboard. We would like to ensure all our guests are comfortable in every way during their time with us but even more so during the holidays.
We want everyone to enjoy this time in whatever way they observe or don't observe holidays during this time of the year. To this end, we have assembled a list of holiday greetings that are least likely to offend others. We request that you use them exclusively or none at all during your journey with us.
Happy Holidays! Seasons Greetings! Happy Hannukah! Wonderful Winter Solstice! Happy New Year! Feliz Navidad! (if you are a native Spanish speaker) Have a Joyous Kwanzaa! Happy Ramadan!
Thank you for your cooperation. Enjoy your cruise with us. Your Cruise Director Jamie Farr
Well, Happy Holicraptacular to you Disney! or Should I say DEM-sney. What kind of leftwing liberal PC muckadoo mindscramble is this? Telling us we can say EVERY possible holiday greeting imaginable EXCEPT for Merry Christmas?
What the freak?
You know what? We've wished everyone we've run into a very merry Christmas ever since we got this piece of trash under the door. See how you like them greetings, Chairman Mouse.
With the way things were going I thought I would get a nasty sunburn to be the red to go with my nausea green. But it turned out to just be anti-muckadoo anger that has really chafed my butt, other than the see lice. GRRRRRRRR!
You all know that I am a huge Rush Limbaugh fan, and my greatest dream is for him to plug the imao.us website and the imaudio podcast on his show. Well, last week I called in to get on the air again. While chitchatting with call screener Snerdly, I mentioned that I'd be going on a Caribbean cruise for my honeymoon and would be stopping for an afternoon in Cozumel. Snerdly told me that there wouldn't be time for me to get on the air that day, but if I left my cell number maybe he could call me the next day to get me on the show. I readily gave over the digits, hung up and expected to hear back from him the next day around 10 a.m. (R.L.'s showtime). Instead, my cell phone rang THAT EVENING, and, strangely, the caller i.d. showed "R. LIMBAU" (What? No 'gh'?). I wet my pants (which really made my rash sting), picked it up, and who should it be but El Rushbo himself! Rush told me that he was a big fan of my website and podcast (practically addicted to them I believe he said) and chit-chatted for 10 minutes or so about the wedding. Then Rush asked if I could pick up a package for him in Cozumel. He promised that if I could do this small favor for him, he would put a free banner link to imao.us on his webpage and give us free plugs over the next few weeks. I was floored that such a great opportunity had come my way, and told him I was more than happy to do it for him.
Anyway, Wednesday rolls around and the ship docks in Cozumel. I go ashore and find the the backstreet pharmacy that Rush told me about. I told the clerk that I was there to pick up "Mr. L's" package, handed over the heavy envelope Rush had FedEx'd me, and took a satchel filled with a couple dozen bottles of vitamins. When I got back to the ship, I threw the satchel into my suitcase and promptly forgot all about it.
The ship arrived at home port Port Canaveral this morning and the lovely and talented SarahK and the mighty and geniused Frank J. disembarked. We picked up our suitcases at baggage claim (we had to check them the night before) and I headed over to the the security kiosk to get my weapons back. On my way over, I saw a handsome German Shepard sitting there. Since I love dogs, and have been considering purchasing one, I reached out to pet it. Imagine my surprise when the dog, whom I subsequently learned was named "Duke", bared his teeth, began barking frantically and leapt at me--I thought "could this be the real Chomps?" I fell over and Duke started digging into my bag like Michael Moore at a buffet and barking like he'd found Osama. The police officer asked me what was in there, and I replied dirty clothes, souvenirs and vitamins. I said "just search it and give me my guns back so we can be on our honeymooning way." Well, guess what, the officer opened up the bottles of vitamins and announced that they all contained "hillbilly heroin" (oxycontin)! I was dumbstruck! Needless to say, I explained how I had picked up the "vitamins" in Cozumel for Rush and that the pharmacy must have given me the wrong prescription. I gave the police Rush's cell number and told them to call him to clear up this huge misunderstanding. They got through to Rush all-right, but he promptly denied having ever heard of me and hung up.
So here I sit in the internet cafe at the Brevard County Jail, waiting to be arraigned, completely innocent of all charges. I expect to be released shortly. If not, I expect a huge 'Free Frank J." protest to be organized by noon. Till then, I'm going to practice singing some Johnny Cash songs. It's karaoke night in the prison cafeteria tonight.
I can't believe my honeymoon is turning out to be worst time of my life. I mean, I'm married, and that's good: my lovely wife and I love each other very much. First I had sea sickness, then food poisoning, then this rash - which is getting worse but the cream helps. (I'm covered in this white goop). Now the honeymoon has taken another turn.
I just got back from the ship's security office and I have to say that it wasn't my fault. At least, most of it wasn't.
Here's what happened.
I woke up today feeling awful. My stomach is much better, but my rash was even worse than before. The lower half of my body is completely red – which is a vast improvement – before it was completely blue. Have I told you how great marital sex is? It's great!
Anyway, the lovely wife and I decided to go topside. SarahK has enjoyed our vacation very much.
So we went upstairs and Sarah sat in the sun while I found a chair next to a big column that provided some shade and some cover so people don't see me when I scratch myself.
We had been sitting up there for about 30 minutes when the wife, asked me to get her an iced tea. The Disney lounge up here serves them in these neat coconut containers and we've been trying to steal one since we got here. So I said, "Sure thing." When I got up, I was still a bit out of it, and what happened next was completely an accident.
I was still a bit woozy from the food poisoning, and the lack of sleep, so when I got up, I lost my balance a bit. At this point, I bumped into one of the employees wearing a Disney costume – the big bear from Jungle Book – what's his name – Balloo? Well, I didn't just bump into him, I guess I hit him at just the right angle because the poor guy stumbled right into the kiddie pool. Good thing it was only 2 feet deep.
You want to hear kids scream? Put them in a pool and then throw in an eight foot bear. They were squealing their little heads off. We heard this and laughed. Most of the people in the area were laughing.
Except for the guy in the bear costume. He was pretty angry, I mean, he was screaming and cursin' up a storm. Being at sea, you'd figure Disney would make those things pretty waterproof, wouldn't you? So security was there a few seconds later and they help him climb out. They're questioning me asking me why I did it. I can't believe they're serious. I try to lighten the mood and joke with them saying "Hey, I got nothing against bears. It's those damn monkeys that I can't stand." The bear keeps cursing up a storm and takes his bear head off.
It's a black guy.
I don't think he understood my monkey comment. I don't think that security did either.
So the three security agents took me downstairs and we had a short talk. I guess at this point I might mention that I was wearing my Nuke The Moon T-shirt. That took a lot of explaining, because as luck would have it, I'm being held by the handful of people (I think there's like a dozn total) on the planet that don't read IMAO.
After about 20 minutes the Captain shows up. He was an older guy, with very tanned skin and an understanding demeanor.
I told the captain, "look, I'm not exactly having the time of my life, what with this rash, and seasickness. Then of course those weird flying things zooming all around the ship."
"Weird Flying things?," he asked.
Oops.
I very, very carefully explained what I thought I might have seen. I'm not the kind of person who goes around claiming alien space abduction - especially since I have all my teeth. But I cautiously explained that I saw something - don't know what - off in the distance flying at an incredible rate of speed.
Then we went back to explaining how I knocked Balloo (whose real name turned out to be Kevin) into the water, and what a blog is and why ninja monkey's should be feared, and what the meaning is of Nuke The Moon. He actually laughed a little at that one.
After a while, they started to come around – I think mostly because they liked SarahK and figured that I couldn't be TOTALLY crazy. After about 30 minutes of reassurances they let us go back to our cabin but warned us that they'd be by soon to ask a few last questions.
Okay, here's where the stuff starts to get a bit more personal. SarahK and I have been trying to "spend time" together. Anyway, after waiting an hour we figured, "Hey, they forgot about us – now it's time for some Marital Bliss. " Harvey and his wife sent us these neat costumes. Mine is Captain Hook, SarahK has Tinkerbell.
WHAT? It's perfectly normal. Besides, it's a Disney Cruise. People expect it of you. Sneaking the hook onto the ship was easy. Security saw it on the x-ray machine and asked me what it was. I told them it was for religious purposes. You can carry anything for religious purposes – anything of course except a crucifix. Anway, we put on the costumes and I had my Pirate Evil laugh going while I bellowed "I'm going to get you if it's the last thing I do."I even had the Hook swinging, when there was a knock on the door. I went to open it.
It was security. Nothing impresses them more than I guy with a bunch of blisters on his face, covered with cream, wearing a big shiny hook over his hand.
This time, I was at the security office for 3 hours.
May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please? Will the real Frank J. please stand up? I repeat, will the real Frank J. please stand up? We're gonna have a problem here . . . I'm Frank J., yes I'm the real Frank J. All you other Frank J.s are just imitating So won't the real Frank J. please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
I don't know who that imposter below is. Anyone who thinks I didn't get food poisoning, then get sea lice, then have a run in with a PC-crazed Disney corp., then see a UFO, then get into half a dozen other scrapes I haven't posted about yet needs to get a clue. And by the way, pay no attention to the men behind the curtain . . .
My lovely bride, you know the one, and I were on deck this morning after breakfast (Went down, stayed down! Yay!), taking in the Carribean view. We were tired out from our excursion in Cozumel yesterday (I'll post more on that later--nothing too eventful occurred, thankfully) and we just wanted some quiet time to relax. We were on the left side of the ship (port side?) and I think we were facing a generally south/southeast direction. We were standing there cuddling and staring out in the distance, wondering if my money was going to last to the end of the trip (that's what I was thinking anyway), I glimpsed something out of the corner of my eye (lasting about a 1/10th of a second). At first, I just thought it was a stupid gull or something, but my mind told me it was something else, some distance away. I listen to my mind usually, so I turned my head to look for the object and I barely caught a flashing glimpse of it about 1500 yards away, moving away from us. Suddenly, it changed direction and was moving at what seemed like an enormous rate of speed parallel to the ship and about 20 degrees off the horizon. We observed the object this time for about 2 seconds as it whizzed by and dissapeared out of sight. I grabbed my camera, and as I waited patiently for it to boot up, I saw the object moving back into sight heading down its original course (from my left, heading to my right). I knew I could not point and shoot at the object because my camera could never function that quickly, so in a purely reflexive manner, I tried to make sure I could get a broad field of view and pushed the shutter button as many times as possible with the object hopefully in the len 's view before it disappeared for a second time. I clicked the button two or three times before the object disappeared. We waited for 5 awkward minutes, but the object did not re-appear.
As soon as we concluded that our object wouldn't show up again, I switched the camera to the "view" function and we both waited for LCD screen to come on. As soon as it came on and was displaying the picture that I just took, we studied it, but there wasn 't anything noticably present, and as we looked at the first picture I took, there seemed to be nothing on it either. We were dissapointed but after we got back to the "cabin of confounded frustration", I downloaded the pictures on SarahK's laptop, removed the red-eye and, what do you know? The object was clearly present in one of the pics, but we couldn't see it on the small screen of the camera.
My best estimate was that the object was 50 feet in diameter (it was roundish), was opaque (not shiny) and was about 100-150 feet off of the ground at a range of about 1000 yards away. However, in the picture, it looks kind of metallic, but it did not look like this when in motion. I also want to emphasize that I have lived near several airbases, have been to lots of air shows, and have a good general knowledge of all rotorcraft and fixed wing aircraft being operated by our military and this object could never be mistaken for any of these. I would guess that the object was traveling at a speed of about 2-4 miles per second. I also want to say that after analyzing it in my magnificent mind thousands of times, I would have to say that I got a feeling that this object was being "playful" in some manner, sort of like Sydney but without the stupid monkey noises. I can't explain that thought very well, but it's just a feeling I had. I apologize that the photo doesn't look that great at first glance, but the full-sized version (which I will post when I get to a cheaper broadband conenction) zoomed fairly well and there is no mistake that this thing seemed round.
The object is in the right upper portion of the picture and I forgot to add that when it was streaking by, it seemd to be pushing air or seemed to have a sonic wave in front of it or something to that effect. I'm not suggesting that this object was extraterrestrial in origin, but it certainly looked and acted like no flying craft I have seen before.
Not that this keeps me from being angry at Disney.
Good news! Not quite as pukey today! Bad news! Itchy! Burny!
Our ship docked in Key West today, so the lovely and talented Sarahk and I decided to take in the sights of the "Conch Republic" (pronounced 'KWEER-VILLE').
After forcing down some lunch, my stomach hasn't entirely recovered yet, we decided to split up for the afternoon. Sarahk would get a massage at a local spa while I joined a small group on a snorkeling expedition. As it turned out, I should have opted for a facial. The snorkeling itself was great (I will post some pictures from my disposable underwater camera when I get the film developed)--it was only after we returned to the ship that the unpleasentness began.
You see, shifting ocean currents sometimes bring pinhead-sized larvae (commonly refered to as "sea lice") near the shore. If you are unfortunate enough to swim into a group of "sea lice", as I was, your swimsuit acts like a net to trap the larvae. The friction of your swimsuit and body creases causes the nematocysts of the "sea lice" to fire and sting you. If I had been swimming "au natural" I wouldn't have had any problems, but modesty prevented that--not to mention I think the dive master was a little on the 'Conchish' side, and there were several schools of hungry looking fish in the vicinity.
I didn't feel anything while we were actually snorkeling--it was only about 3 hours later when the intense itching began. At first I ignored it , but as the itching became more and more intense, and a noticeable rash began to form on my, um, backside, and, um, other swimsuit areas, I went to the ship doctor. He knew right away what it was and gave me some antihistamine and hydrocortisone cream. The rash should resolve within a week, and poses no long term health dangers, but it itches like the dickens and I likely will have difficulty sleeping for a few days. A pox upon your house, Aquaman!
PS: Sarahk got slightly over-exfoliated at the spa. STOP SPENDING ALL MY MONEY, WOMAN! I mean, the poor baby.
PPS: The swelling that went with the rash is quite impressive! But sorry ladies and 'Conchish' guys, there won't be any photos of that, at least none I'm sharing with you ronin. But I will share a pic of the rash--not for the faint of heart . . .
. . . but this is where I've been spending all my time during my honeymoon . . .
No, not for THAT reason. Sadly, and I do mean SADLY! Since leaving port yesterday, I've had near constant sea sickness. I get motion sickness from riding the merry-go-round, so I'm not particularly surprised. In addition to the motion of the ocean, I the mighty Frank J may have been felled by some sushi I had for dinner last night in one of the ship restaurants . . .this stuff may not be fully cooked!
It was delicious (the first time I tasted it anyway). I've left the content of my stomach on three separate decks so far. SarahK wouldn't even hold my hair! Said the she was afraid of the domino puke effect and I was a 'mighty sicky Mr. Wonderpuke" [Sigh] Married bliss. I'm green, so all I need now is a killer sunburn and I'll look like a something something Christmas ornament.
I set sail today on my honeymoon with my wife, the lovely and talented SarahK. The ship has a business center with limited internet access, so, if you are lucky, I will be able to post some of my brilliance for you periodically. I have a bunch of pictures already, but only have time to post this one now--our ship docked and waiting for us to come aboard.
Hopefully, we won't encounter any of that sickening Disney liberal tolerance you always hear so much about. Till later, ronin.
on our wedding night we stayed at the fort worth grand hotel -- when we checked in, they took one look at me and kindly put us in the midget suite -- it was perfect for me, but i think frank was a little uncomfortable when using the sink to brush his teeth
he really enjoyed the complimentary toothpaste, though
i may be getting a little closer to an answer to this question -- why use horizontal traffic lights? apparently, by having them horizontally, you have more clearance, and therefore can make the poles holding them shorter -- also, apparently federal guidelines call for using horizontal signals to cover multiple lanes, but one vertical signal for each individual lane
i've also read that color blind people who aren't used to the horizontal ones are in big big trouble when they come to a city with them
we were lucky enough to get to have dinner with maggie katzen and go to cinderella while in dallas . . . maggie katzen was great (as you would expect) and solveig enjoyed it greatly . . . i also got to have the best taco salad i've ever had for dinner, so it worked out perfectly . . .
